Wolverine And Richard Go Large
by Pole-Dancer
Summary: This is a Kevin and Perry influenced fic...umm...excuse? I was hyper. Flame me! Yay!


(A/N: Okay, this is an insane fanfiction I wrote while high on sugar.the idea came to me while I was terrorising the local librarians.flame me. Yay!)  
  
Wolverine and Richard Go Large  
PART ONE - Mad things don't always work out  
  
Wolverine sat at the dinner table with a sulk. For a start, he had woken up to find cutlery welded to his claws. Yes, cutlery. He was drunk last night. He remembered vaguely dancing naked in a field.a car-on fire.. quick shag in the park.buying a hotrod.and. it all went black. He was sort-of grateful; at least he never needed to worry about using scuzzy café knives, forks and spoons. He even had a teaspoon glued to his little finger. He could go into a café. and when the waitress served his food he would say; -  
  
"Its alright-I've got my own!" extend his cutlery and go.  
  
He looked out the window, felt depressed and decided to run away. He left a note saying "Have run off to join circus, back soon, Love Wolverine', stole Bobby's piggy bank and fell out of the window. (Well, he pretended to jump for Hollywood's sake.) After an hour he got hungry and came home. He was very confused when he arrived at the institute to see many people running around with large electromagnets. A very formidable looking one came closer and Wolverine felt drawn closer to the holder. "Must. not.. get.. caught." he thought in this moment of peril, vainly digging his cutlery into the earth in an attempt to avoid capture. It was no use. The man behind the magnet put it down (with Logan attached) to reveal that he was completely bald, with the exception of green nasal hair. He was also in a Wheelchair. Professor X.  
  
"Um, hello. Sir" said Wolverine sheepishly.  
  
"We've been looking all over for you!" Mr. X exclaimed. Before releasing Logan and continuing. "What's the matter? Do you want teaching" Wolverine was eyeing up Bobby's arse while Prof. X said this and thought he said, "What do you want teaching?" He blushed and then stammered.  
  
"Y' know, um. well they don't get any.um."  
  
"Take your time friend." Said the Professor leaning back in his chair. Wolverine looked over his shoulder where he saw Jubilee chasing Rouge with a firework behind her back, Bobby making an ice sculpture of him shagging Rouge and Pyro chucked a fireball at Jean Grey's head.  
  
"Well.err. y'know, the stuff. The education" he mumbled.  
  
He glanced over the Professors shoulder again, the ice sculpture was finished and Bobby was masturbating at the bottom, Jean's head was on fire and Rogue was coping the statue's leg. Jubilee pulled a moony behind the Professors back, who apparently didn't notice, despite the screaming of Jean, Bobby and Rouge.  
  
"You know?" he asked. "Um.. err."  
  
"GET ON WITH IT WOMAN!", roared the Professor.  
  
"Sex Education!"  
  
"You want to be taught Sex Education?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well than what do you want?"  
  
"I want YOU to teach it!"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes you."  
  
"Do you really think I'm going to tell the class about my encounters with Charles- I mean lovers!"  
  
"No. That's not Sex Ed sir."  
  
"Tough. I say it is and you will do so every single Thursday morning, and Friday Afternoon. I will organise the timetables." With that he turned around. The second he looked at the institutiees they all stopped misbehaving and walked off whistling as if nothing happened. Wolverine looked at Jean and covered the crotch of his trousers. Unfortunately Jean started to walk over, and Wolverine's pants were getting tighter to the second. RIIIIIP. Oh shit. He forgot about that. You see (Now how can I put this) when Logan was agreeing to have metal put in, he told William Stryker that he didn't want any 'down there'. Unfortunately Stryker had been listening to Metallica very loudly and thought he said, 'Especially down there' and did so. It came as a great disadvantage in his personal life sometimes. (Like now) Jean knew this- she was a telepath after all- and stitched up his pants using her mind. Wolverine decided it would spoil the moment to tell her that she had stitched him to his trousers.  
  
"Hi." She said.  
  
"High" he said. Jean missed the pun. "Sooo. still shagging Scott?" he finished lamely. Jean looked offended.  
  
"THAT is a personal matter between him and me!" she yelled as tears welled up in her purple-yellow eyes. "It's not His fault!" She finished, before running off in a heap of tears.  
  
"Did I blow that one?" Logan thought. "Maybe she's playing hard-to-get."  
  
All of a sudden a mad mutant with luminous orange hair ran past, being chased by a smaller one with long, brown hair who was holding hands with a boy only marginally taller and spiked hair. That was it. He had seen her. No mutant else would do.  
  
"Hobknob you big twat!" yelled the cute boy with spiky hair. The smaller one giggled.  
  
"Yeah, Hobknob!" she yelled. Hobknob giggled and fell on the floor. She opened her eyes, and there was, the, one, the only.Wolverine. She jumped up and sang 'Gay Bar' several times as he walked over. Wolverine started barking like a dog and chasing his 'tail'. Hobknob looked flattered and began licking his ear and humping his leg. Wolverine howled.  
  
(A/N: !?!???!??!!!)  
  
Several hours later they emerged at the dinner able giggling and had many twigs, sticks and branches stuck in their hair.  
  
"Where's Moony?" asked Hobknob, producing a whole birds nest from her hair.  
  
"Ah don't know." Said Rouge. "Ah think ah saw her an' that spiked kid running into some bushes earlier. And ah don't think anyone has seen the' since, If yah get wha' ah mean." She winked cheekily at Hobknob before eating her 'dinner'.  
  
Wolverine smirked and looked down at his dinner. It consisted of iced gems, noodles and chips. They tucked into their dinner.  
  
The next day Professor X approached him. "Wolverine, I need you to give a video presentation about erm... your subject. Give it to me tomorrow." Before heading down the corridor. Wolverine snickered as he noticed that he had toilet paper stuck to the wheel of his chair.  
  
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Wolverine ran to the computer and started to work. After several hours of careful work he still had nothing and began to panic.  
  
"Okay, Wolvie," he thought, "You should really stop playing the Sims and get some work done." So he did. And somehow managed to get a lot done and recorded it on DVD for the professor. He was late for his lesson so took the DVD from out of his video recorder. He quickly pressed 'record' and ran out the room. He got to his lesson to find all the pupils calmly attempting to kill each other.  
  
"STOP IT!" he yelled, brandishing his cutlery menacingly. The class instantly fell silent. Wolverine would regret doing this for a long time. He put the DVD into the computer. 


End file.
